October | 2012 | Crossroads of the Heart

“Yes it’s true that I believe
I’m weaker than I used to be
I wear my heart out on my sleeve
And I forget the rest of me” ~Matchbox Twenty

During icebreaker events when people ask me what superhuman strength I wish I had, I sometimes think about how I really just want to be any superhero because then I could have two identities – the real me and the one that I hide behind.

How nice would it be to laugh coyly in the face of danger, to immediately dismiss the slightest hint of insecurity, to not be afraid of thunderstorms. Ahem – not like I am…

Instead, I live moment-to-moment — blood gushing at the slightest cut. When something tugs at my heart-strings, it is a hard thing for me to shake. I need time to understand it, to let it evolve in all of its glory and tantalize me with its meanings. A vivid reminder that I still have a lot to learn – about myself and others.

During this time, as much as I might want to, I can’t stop you from seeing how I feel. There is no bandage big enough to cover up those open sores.

Perhaps by admitting this weakness I can find my shining armor, a mask to hide behind, a place for anonymity. Or maybe I can stay me. Vulnerable. Raw. Open. And live life in a way that it’s meant to be lived.

*For the month of October, I’m participating in a 31 Days series with numerous other writers. To read my entire series, please view this page.

About these ads

It’s usually when I’m driving in my car or rushing to a meeting or an event that a brief image of a person from my past sneaks up on me. It’s always the random people too. A friend of a friend that used to hang out. A professor from college. An old high school acquaintance.

It’s evident that I’m never going to keep in touch with every person who crosses my path. Even with today’s online society, it becomes unfeasible to stay atop of everyone’s orbiting worlds. But, nonetheless, it bothers me sometimes to think of others who have come and gone from my life.

Trust me, I’ll be following along through status updates, tweets of your marriage and pictures of your child. Maybe even a “Like” now and again. But, what about the flesh moments; the times when we were together ‘live and in-living color’?

Those are the memories that bother me the most. The feeling that I can never get back to that exact time and place in my life – when we were buddies and our paths were perpendicular instead of parallel. Perhaps, this is why this particular weakness pains me the most. I not only lost touch with a friend, but I lost touch with a point in time – and even if we get back in touch – will it ever be the same?

*For the month of October, I’m participating in a 31 Days series with numerous other writers. To read my entire series, please view this page.